The First 8 Limbs Blog Post!

Well...here it is...my first shot at a blog. This was not actually meant to be a blog. Although, I had been planning to write a blog....only not on this topic! I have always loved to write, I am just not sure if I am any good at it. I would not call myself a writer, but English was always my best subject in school.  My senior year of high school, I took AP English and exempted my Freshmen year of English in college. I took a writing class that year and a male teacher basically told me my writing sucked. So naturally, I took it to heart and stopped writing. But, I do love to write. So, yes, this year a blog has come up many times. And not by me....but the universe has been pushing me to write one. I found myself at an unusual place the morning after our teacher training ended. It was the first morning that I had time to sit in my thoughts. I was at a place of being very full and very drained or empty at the same time. Which led to....what the heck do I do now? Combined with the fact that it is a week before my birthday. A week before I move out of my sh*tty 7 year and into the mysterious but promising 8 year! For those of you that do not know me....I am utterly obsessed with numerology. I do Tarot readings and I love astrology. And so I wrote this to a friend to summarize my year and where I was at that moment. My husband insisted that I post it as my first blog (so send any hate mail to him) J/K!! A friend of mine told me about a writing exercise that they do at Kripalu. They have you write 'This is what I have to say to you today.'

And, so it is, this is what I have to say to you today.............

If I were a tarot card, I would be The Fool.

I do not say this complaining at all, and I hope you understand. Last March I signed my lease for my new studio. Perhaps a little naive about the grave amount of work and energy that I would be committing to, I went full steam ahead. As with any new business, it was non stop....for a long time. Every weekend my husband Carl and I either had the kids, or we had some major project to tackle at the studio. Before I knew it the holidays came and went and I began my second year of yoga teacher training. Every weekend since January, we either have the kids (which consists of driving back and forth to Jacksonville all weekend for my son's basketball tournaments) or the teacher training. The teacher training alone is a part-time job with a lot of responsibility. I had ten beautiful souls depending on me and I could not give them anything but the best of me. But the trainings were also very time consuming. We met Friday nights, 5-9:30pm, Saturday and Sunday 8-6pm. Not to mention the amount of work that goes into preparing for each weekend. The trainees had to write multiple book reports; some on books of their choice from my teacher Beryl's list, some from ancient texts like the Yoga Sutras and the Bhagavad Gita, and other yoga books, along with give back projects and visiting other studios in order to write observations on other yoga traditions. It is a lot of work for them. It is also a lot of work to grade all of their papers and assignments! I say all this in an effort to convey the magnitude and intensity of the work load I had on my shoulders. It is too much for one person really. However some how I managed to do it. It was transition on top of transition on top of transition!! The move. The build out (which is not finished after a year plus) The training. Teachers coming and going. All the joys of being a small business owner! 

Now it is over. The responsibility of teaching a group of eager new teachers for 6 months is over. It is bittersweet, but I am left at a place asking.....what next!?! Seriously, I don't know what to do from here!! I practiced this morning, it was the first time, in as long as I can remember that I didn't rush through my practice. I didn't have to be anywhere....I didn't have to do anything. Which led to......oh my gosh......what am I doing with my life?! 

Do I plan another training? Do I take a break? Do I do teach a 200 hour in September? Or a 300 hour in November?! Those are only a few of the questions circling my head. Carl told me to relax. Just to chill. My response was 'I don't know how to relax!!!' I am teasing a little. I do know how to relax, but I am so used to having so much going on that it feels weird to not have major stuff to do right away. I feel like since February (when I took over the training alone) it has been a series of events that I had to 'get through'. I was in survival mode. And now I survived, I can stop and breathe......and of course my next thought is......figure out what to do next!

Writing is cathartic for me because I have so much in my head that it feels good to get it out. Yes that's one idea, take time to meditate more!!! Practice my own sh*t right?!

Ironically this all came from the idea of a tattoo. I do not have any tattoos. I am not proud to admit this but the honest truth is that I have never really cared for them. After thinking a little bit more about them, I realized I might have been a little judgmental about tattoos. And maybe prided myself on the fact that I never got one. Anyway.......I had an idea for a tattoo. It's actually a cute idea. And it would be a tiny tat. Barely visible. I am not sure if I will even get it. Nonetheless, this is what I have come to realize, and this is what I have to say. 

And so, here it goes...About a year ago I think I was the Emperor. Rules and regulations.....fully clothed....not showing any skin....maybe stuck in my old ways and old beliefs. Sitting in righteousness on top of my 'stable' empire that I had built!!! I say this half way joking, as I hope you know. And so, I started my journey. Life was good. I had everything under control....and then the wheel turned.....The Fool (me) took a leap of faith because I wanted to explore the next chapter of life......and naturally, there is where I met all my new friends. (Death, The Devil, The Hanged Man!!) I definitely had a death (or 5!!) and I have had a rebirth. I am now at a place where I feel like I have been stripped of all the things that I thought were permanent and what I thought was important. The structures and foundations that I thought were indestructible, came crashing down. Friendships that I thought would last forever, lives of loved ones were lost, pregnancies, my stable business, my bank account!!!! I experienced death in many forms. In myself and in losing others. But I kept going....because what else can you do?! I am not one to go back! And then I had the thought of the tattoo. (Don't worry I will tell you the idea!) 

Really, it was a case of the 'fuck its' as Carl says it. I say this knowing better now.  But it was a moment of self pity. 'I haven't gotten what I wanted this year....things haven't happened the way I wanted them to....poor me.....if I am not going to do what I 'planned' to do.....I might as well do what I want to do?!' I am not sure if this thought process makes sense. The tattoo itself is actually extremely positive and uplifting. But basically now, I feel like I am The Star card. I have made it through death and a rebirth. I have been stripped of the foundations that I thought identified who I was. The things that I thought I needed to survive. The things I thought made me look good to the outside world. There is a sense of freedom and liberation that comes from all of this. And so I feel like The Star. Naked and seen. Not hiding anything or from anyone. The light at the end of the tunnel. Healing time. And so....why not get a tattoo!! Who cares what other people think?! Who cares if people judge me?!  I am going to pour all of my water out because I know it will always come and I also know just as easily that it can go and there is nothing that I can do to change that! That Wheel of Fortune is always turning.  My teacher,  Beryl says to celebrate impermanence. She says that the only thing that is permanent is impermanence. The Yoga Sutras say that all of our suffering comes from mistaking the impermanent for permanent. It is that pendulum shift and our resistance and fear to that swing or wheel that causes suffering. 

Carl and I were talking about me going into an 8 year. He said he was going to go to sleep for his entire 7 year!! I said no, it won't be so bad, etc. And I started to say.....just work really hard in your 4 year (he is moving into a 4 year) to build and create that stable foundation.....(I was thinking work hard enough to build it strong enough to prevent the possible Tower down the road) and I stopped myself. Because there is no foundation that can be built strong enough to withstand the inevitable Wheel of Fortune! We laughed. All we have is this moment right?! 

And so.....this brings me back to today. The training is an ending for me. Not a bad one. But it is an ending. And I was The World card yesterday.  It doesn't get better then having all 10 people graduate. Last year we had 15 students. Only 10 passed. I received my calling (The Judgement card) and I know that I was called to finish that training. And to continue the studio.  And so I do. And I had more dips into the darkness (The Moon card)  I will touch a little more about that but.....I was on top of the world yesterday. I was the World card. The four is now right side up. As I am. But with completely different energy as when I started my journey. This was such an emotional training. And now it's over. 

And now today, here  I am again, The Fool......only wiser. So what is my next journey?! 

It's time to start a new beginning. But what path do I take? What have I learned from my journey?! And where do I want to put my energy?! Do I want to work as much? Do I want to take on as much? I now know that I can.....but is that what I want? Do I want to do another teacher training. Can I afford not to? Do I write a blog? Do I start doing readings? 

It reminds me of some of my favorite T.S. Elliot quotes. 'In my end, is my beginning.' Not only is it the end of the training but, it is the end of my 7 year!! 'For last years words belong to last year's language, and next years words await another language.' 

All numbers expand or retract. 7 is an inward, retraction,retroscpection year. So naturally sh*t happens to make you go in and do the work. Thus, a seven year is about introspection....energy that flows inward.....The number 7 in general is about introspection, turning inward, inner work, energy working on the inside but not the outside, self reflection. It is a good year to sit and write and basically not a good year to focus on business. In a nutshell, the opposite of what I have done this year. It's a very spiritual number. They say even the biggest extroverts will be introverted in a 7 year. I don't know that all 7 years are like mine. I am a 7 lifepath and have been in a 7 year. I guess I needed some spiritual growth which for me would only happen from going through a little pain and suffering!! You know how that say pain is a stepping stone for growth?!

Now, 8 is the money year! The work you do in your 7 year, pays off in your 8 year. The number 8 is about power! Change and inspiration. Its about outward energy. Energy of movement in new direction. But really, I won't know about an 8 year until I go through it. I can tell you about 3 through 7 so far! 

I will conclude by saying that....things happened in an absolute perfect way. I realized that in prior teacher trainings, I hired other people to do the work that I did not want to do. Or maybe the work that I did not think I was capable of doing. When I had to let go of my former partner for the training, I immediately tried to hire someone else. I have a well respected friend and qualified yoga teacher from Jacksonville that agreed to help. This person was out of town so I was just planning to teach by myself for a month until they returned. When this person returned to the US....their work schedule took them off again. Needless to say, once again I was without a partner. Me doing the training by myself was the biggest blessing and ironically what I feared the most. When everything happened in February I wanted to cancel the training. I wanted to close the studio. But I knew that I had 10 people counting on me to stick to my commitment to the training. I did not have a choice but to keep going. And so, I did. I did the parts that I did not want to do. And I did the parts that I did not think I could do. Because of this, I formed relationships and bonds with people that I never would have formed otherwise. There is a lot more to say but I am trying to cut it short (too late right?!) We have some amazing teachers out of this group and I feel incredibly grateful to have this new energy and support at the studio. 

And so, for now.....while I decide what to do next.....I am going to take a break. I went to an Alanon meeting today. And, I went on a bike ride with Carl. I almost napped but that would be pushing it. My ex husband walked in and saw Carl and I both sitting on the couch. It was as if he had seen a unicorn. He said he had never seen both of us sitting on the couch!! I am going to get a lot of my classes covered for the next two weeks so that I can get ready for New York!! I am also going to spend as much time with my kids and Carl before I go. My 'non plan' is to take break until I get back from New York. I will figure out my next move when I return. 

Which brings me to today. I leave bright and early tomorrow morning to go see my living guru, Beryl, at the Omega Institute where I will be a student again. I will  spend 8 days immersed in meditation, pranayama, asana and self study. No devices, no electronics, no connection to my outside world. What better way to wrap up my 7 year?

 And the day I come home, is my birthday. and the first day of my 8 year!!!!

And so, The Wheel keeps turning.......