My Road Back to Asana

It's has been six weeks since I stepped onto my mat. My mat, my friend, my home, whatever you want to call it. Something happens when I step onto my mat. A wave of calmness comes over me. It doesn't matter what else is going on in my life or how much chaos surrounds me - as soon as I step onto my mat the chaos inside my head dissipates. I can take a deep breathe and nothing else exists that isn't within its four corners. I take a deep breathe and a moment of silence as I wait to see what the lesson will be for that day. My entire mind, body and soul smiles and it feels like home. It knows my past, my present and my future. It knows where I came from and where I am going.

My practice is a source of refuge. A place where I get the answers I need. It empowers me to be the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person that I can be proud of. The kind of person I find security where as otherwise I am insecure. It is comforting as well as trusting. It never stops challenging me but also helping me to accept things as they are. A balance of push and pull, hard and soft, expansion and retraction, strength and humility. It allows me to breathe, to stretch, to learn, to love, to play, to laugh and to find strength. At the same time it teaches me to let go! Unhealthy habits, physical, and mental fall away. It is humbling yet also so liberating as it gives me the confidence I need. It makes me carry myself better. Inside and out.

“My practice is a source of refuge. A place where I get the answers I need. It empowers me to be the kind of person that I want to be.”

My posture, my thoughts of myself and of others. It allows me to forgive and be forgiven. It guides me to where I need to be. It guides me but only if I allow it to. It guides me to destinations unknown. It teaches me to let go of the fear and to trust. It's been six weeks and I miss it so much that I can literally feel it! I miss it so much it hurts. I find myself longing for that first step back on my mat! 

For those of you that read my birth story know that I am six weeks postpartum. I have been practicing yoga for close to 14 years. I practiced yoga all the way through all three of my pregnancies. Yoga is not just a job for me, nor is it merely exercise - and it is not something I just do off and on. Yoga is a lifestyle. It is my lifestyle. I'm not going to get into my full yoga bio because it would take all day. I'm just going start with my consistent Ashtanga practice. Here comes the back story. But don't worry I am keeping this one brief! ;)

Once again for those of you that read my birth story, you know about my struggle to get pregnant with my most recent child. I started practicing Ashtanga not long after my daughter was born in 2007. However, as you can imagine being a mom, then a single mom, a yoga teacher and a business owner, it was very challenging to be able to practice consistently. By consistent I mean six days a week. I had to take what I could get and practice when I could. After 7 years of practicing Ashtanga, it wasn't until after I suffered a miscarriage in 2015 that I began a consistent practice. And again by consistent, I mean six days a week rain or shine. 

“I needed someone to give me the love that I give my students. I needed to be a student again. ”

Having a miscarriage left me with an enormous amount of emotional pain. My husband and I had been trying for nearly eight months to conceive only to finally find out we are pregnant...and then to lose the baby. It was a loss of an enormous proportion, and any women reading this who has experienced a miscarriage, you know the feeling of loss. I will not get into how deep the pain was but take my word for it, it was deep. It left a hole in my heart. The only thing I could think of to find some happiness was my practice. And so I did something I had never done since becoming a yoga studio owner six years prior...I went to another studio. I went to seek out my first Ashtanga teacher ever, Suzy. I went to see her because I needed help. I needed someone to give me the love that I give my students. I needed to be a student again. 

And so that is how I began my consistent Ashtanga yoga practice. I would get up at 5:30am and go to another studio to practice with Suzy. My practice changed drastically within a couple of months. Granted I do believe in a higher power, but it was my practice that helped me heal from my miscarriage. My practice is how I connect to my higher power. And it was my practice that got me through the next year and a half of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant. Every month was an emotional roller coaster. I went through so many ups and downs thinking I was pregnant only to find out that I wasn't (for a year and a half). Every month. But my practice always gave me something to look forward to. My practice was always there. I moved into the second series and was doing things that I never thought that I would be able to do. I would find out that I wasn't pregnant one month and I would be completely discouraged. But then my next thought would be, "Hey, at least I'll be able to do my dropbacks when Day Christiensen is here." So my practice definitely got me through those two very difficult years.  

In July 2016, just as I wrapped up my studio's second yoga teacher training, I found out that I was pregnant. And funny enough, as grateful as I was to be pregnant, my first thought was, "Oh shit, what about my practice?!" 

I did practice through my first two pregnancies, however, I was not doing Ashtanga. And I was also 12 years younger! Ashtanga is an entirely different beast. So is age! Needless to say, I did manage to practice 6 days a week while pregnant. It was not my usual practice. I modified heavily. My first trimester I was so incredibly tired. But I did what I could. I got on my mat every day because I knew it would make me feel better, and it did. I did struggle with the fact that I couldn't do what I was used to doing. I had gotten up at 5:30am 6 days a week for two years to practice. That fell away when I became pregnant! I had to push my ego aside and trust my body to know what it was capable of doing. I stopped doing inversions because I heard somewhere along the way that they can cause miscarriage. I was definitely pretty conservative and I struggled between thinking, "I should be able to do this," and listening to my body and taking it easy. Taking it easy doesn't come easily to a type A pretty serious Ashtanga practitioner. But I always put the health of my baby first and I did take it easy. I backed off from my deep backbends and my drop backs. I did what I could and man did it feel good. I was able to do the full Primary Series all the way up to 8 months. I did let go of Marichiasana C and D pretty early on. I was surprised at how much harder it was opposed to my first two pregnancies. Again, different beast! However, I gained more weight with this pregnancy, about twice as much, so it took some getting used to my new limitations. But I didn't care. I was healthy and my baby was healthy and really that was all that mattered to me. 

My practice did get pretty hard at the end. My baby was sitting so low and I had to back off forward folds all together. In the end, there wasn't much left to my practice but I still did it. It's part of me. How could I not? Not practicing is just not an option for me. I will say that the pranayama was key in having a natural child birth but, that's for another post. I will also say that I only pushed three times to get my baby out! I could feel how strong my body was and that is because of my practice. 

So now here I am. Six weeks post partum and I literally day dream and fantasize about getting back on my mat. I haven't practiced in 6 weeks but I haven't done 'my' practice since before I found out I was pregnant. I fantasize about my drop backs and second series. But...deep down I realize I might be starting back at the beginning. I have been told it will be like starting over all over again. I hope this is not the case although...I fear it might be. But what can you do? Nothing but practice and that is my plan. And I cannot fucking wait! I think I am probably going to burst into tears the first time I step on my mat. 

In honor of this huge moment for me, I am doing my first (ever) social media yoga challenge! I am going to ask people to join me on my road back to asana. Anyone who needs a little push, some motivation, a friend, support you name it...this challenge has your name on it. It's going to be basic and assessable to everyone. My goal is to reach out and make it an open forum to share struggles with the obstacles of practice. There will be zero judgement or criticism. Not even of myself. We will all be in it together. Would you like to join me?